i just cleaned out my office. my first office ever.
i am crying and smiling.
change is always something that has come rather easily to me. not that i'm really good at it or anything, just used to it. i'm fairly adaptable.
this is the most emotional change i've ever made.
giving up the space that i have carved out over the past 2 years is really painful. i'm turning over my life to someone else along with my students, my community, my responsibilities.
even though i know other people have done this before and survived, right now i feel like no one understands. i feel depressed about this- despite the hope and knowledge i have in jesus that there are more things for me.
i have loved this place like no other.
there are so mnay fruits of my work that i will never see. so many people that i will miss.
last weekend i worked on staff for a Happening retreat in the episcopal diocese of florida (in north fl). i went, anticipating that when i got back i would be prepared to write a scathing report on the retreat- mainly based on the Happenings i attended in high school in PGH. i didn't talk much during the weekend- first of all i didn't know that many people, and second of all i wanted to keep my cynical attitude to myself until i had hard proof for my opinions.
you might wonder why in the world was i there if i felt like this. i went because the rector of the weekend was a girl named karis who was in my small group when she was in 6th grade and i was an intern at her church. we've kept in touch off and on over the last 6 years and she asked me to go. so i went for karis- to love her and support her.
i kept my opinions in my own head for the most part. until the closing eucharist.
karis gave her rector's address and i realized what an ass i was being.
she said, talking about her first Happening experience and life situations at the time, "i realized that my desire for people to love me was really my need to have jesus love me through other people- and that 's what Happening did for me."
if that's the only thing these students get out of the weekend,
i thank my jesus for loving the people of st. philip's through me, for giving me that blessing and i pray the same for all of us.