Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Monday, December 12, 2005
still procrastinating. greek final is due tomorrow. crap. did i really think greek would just be fun? yes, yes i did. and who's taking greek 2 next semester- that would be me.
and on another note- i just had the funniest sounding fart of my life. it actually squeaked.
Monday, December 05, 2005
i'm probably only writing now because procrastination seems like the best option when i have 2 papers, 2 finals and other various things coming up in the next two weeks. sigh. again.
so now i will take a page off of my sister's xanga. a list of comments to people, without using names, but you will all probably know who you are.
- you are amazing. and i love you more than any other person in my life. even when you feel like i am not appreciating you, i am. sometimes i wonder how one person can have so much patience.
- i know you used to think i was the devil; but i cannot tell you how blessed i am to finally be your friend. i wasted a lot of years. i'm so sorry.
- you are growing up so fast. i know life can be so frustrating right now, but i love you. And even more, so does God. you are beautiful and precious.
- sometimes you drive me crazy. literally. after spending time with you i seriously have to re-align my thought processes that remind of my goodness.
- welcome to the family dork.
- thank you for being able to have difficult discussions. and for loving me even when we only talk every few weeks. see you soon.
- i am so glad you moved to florida. just knowing that you are only a few hours away, and that if i need to just be around someone who has known me for a long time, is a comforting thought.
- you make my stomach hurt. i get mad at you, but then i realize that you don't even know who you are. stop acting. be real for one freaking time. grow up.
- thank you for still being the voice in my head most days. good or bad, at least you are there.
- thank you for creating me and loving me more than i can love myself. thank you for putting all of these people in my life. for better or worse, they have made me who i am and i think i'm pretty cool (mostly.).
“Mommy?” Ana looked up and stopped wiping the floor. “What are you doing?”
“I spilled some milk so now I’m cleaning it up.”
“Oh.” Bella stuck her thumb in her mouth and rubbed the silky edge of her blanket across her cheek. “Is my cereal ready now?”
Ana scooped up the wet paper towels and dropped them in the garbage can. Then she went to the sink and rinsed her hands. “Can you get Cate and come to the table?”
Bella turned around and went to find her sister. Ana placed the bowls on top of the rubber placemats in the shape of the United States and then sat down and put her head in her hands. She could feel her breasts pushing against the backs of her arms. The girls climbed up into their chairs and started slurping their breakfast. She didn’t even know how to tell them. Mommies were supposed to have breasts. That’s how you knew they were mommies. How do you talk about that with a four year old and a two year old? Bella started counting out loud the number of marshmallows still floating in her bowl. Ana thought about the breast milk still frozen in the basement freezer. She didn’t need it anymore. Cate had been weaned for almost a year. When the girls started splashing more cereal onto the table than they were eating Ana took the bowls over to the sink.
“It’s time to get ready for school, girls.” The sisters climbed down from their chairs and shuffled their socked feet across the floor. Ana smoothed down their hair and bent down to kiss them each on the forehead. “I love you both very much.”
“We love you too, Mommy.” Bella was quick to reassure her mother.
Cate smiled and said, “Wes, we do.” Ana knelt on the floor and pulled them close. Their heads squished against her breasts. Ana thought that her bones would not be so comfortable.
“Okay guys, let’s get ready now.” She patted their butts and sent them out the door to start picking out their clothes. Then she called Doug and asked him out for lunch. He checked his calendar and said that he could meet her at noon. She figured that he probably thought she’d gotten a call from the doctor. But she didn’t tell him anything yet. After dropping the kids off at preschool, Ana raced back to the house to get ready for lunch. She curled her hair and put on a short skirt that matched her tight top. She skipped the mascara but made sure to wear the pearls Doug had given her for her last birthday. Her hands were so shaky she could barely work the clasp. She checked the clock as she slipped on her shoes. An hour before she had to leave. She went downstairs and sat on the couch. Her shoes dropped to the floor as she tucked her legs up underneath her bottom. The girls had left the television on, so she picked up the remote and flipped through the channels. Soap operas and infomercials. She stopped on a woman advertising a yoga video. She was on a mat stretching in a purple leotard. Ana’s yoga classes were on Tuesday mornings. She turned the television off and threw the remote against the wall. Then she called Doug and told him that she wasn’t going to make it to lunch. When he asked her why, she told him that she had forgotten about a homeroom mother’s luncheon for Bella’s class. He didn’t say much, just asked her if she was okay. She apologized, told him that she was fine and that she would be home in time to have dinner ready.
Ana hung up the phone in the kitchen and stood, staring out the window for a moment. She took the barrette out of her hair and laid it on the counter. Her hair fell down and grazed her shoulders. She walked into the hallway and took her shirt off. She dropped it on the floor and then reached up to unhook her bra. The air was cold. Wrapping her arms around her breasts, Ana walked up to her bedroom and got into bed. She closed her eyes and tried to forget.
The phone rang.
It was her mother. Just calling to chat. Ana grabbed a t-shirt from her closet and slipped it over her head while balancing the cordless phone between her chin and her shoulder.
“No. I haven’t heard yet.” Ana started straightening out the clothes on Doug’s side of the closet. “No, Mom. I’m not going to call them again.” She hung the empty hangers on her hand. “Maybe next week.” Ana walked downstairs to the laundry room and tried to change the subject. “Can you pick the girls up after school today?” She flipped the light switch on the wall above the dryer. “Do you think they can spend the night with you?” She hung the hangers on the bar attached to the wall. “I just thought it would be nice for Doug and I to have an evening together.” She hopped up to sit on the washer. “Nothing’s wrong. We just haven’t really seen each other much recently.” Her feet swung and banged against the metal side. “They should have clothes at your place. And since they don’t have school tomorrow you can just call whenever you need me to come get them.” Ana slumped against the wall. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll call the school and let them know you’re coming. The girls will be excited.”
Ana called the school and let them know about her mother and then went to the grocery to buy some things for dinner. She picked out the chicken and tomatoes she needed for Doug’s favorite dish, Angel Hair Pasta with Chicken and Prosciutto. He probably wouldn’t even know what to say when she told him. He’d just hold her. Ana checked her cart and thought about the ingredients she already had at home. But would he look at her differently? Hold her more gently? Garlic. She needed garlic. And maybe something for dessert. Her mother’s motto was bad news is always better over something sweet.
When Doug got home, he stepped inside and called out for his wife. Ana heard him and tried to finish getting ready faster. She had turned off the lights downstairs. And when she didn’t answer, she heard him set his briefcase down and walk towards the kitchen. Good, maybe he would sit at the table and wait for her. She had lit candles on the dining room table and left the pasta warming on the stove. He called out for Cate and Bella.
She heard him walk towards the stairs as she stepped into her dress.
“Ana.” He started going up. “Ana.”
“Be there in a sec.” She had the zipper halfway up when she looked up and saw him standing there. He was smiling.
“I can help you with that.” He walked over behind his wife and removed her hands from the back of her dress. She curled her toes on the linoleum. He took the zipper in his fingers and slowly moved it down. He bent his head down and his breath was hot on her neck.
“Doug.” His name came almost like a moan.
“The kids aren’t here, are they?” He smiled at her through the mirror.
She tried to wiggle away from him. “No, but dinner is—“
“I don’t really think I care right now.” He grabbed her waist and turned her to face him. “I don’t even remember the last time…” He weaved his fingers through her hair and tipped her head up. His kiss was long and hard and Ana’s knees felt weak. Her dress slipped off her shoulders and rested on her waist. Doug ran his hands down past her shoulders and fumbled to unfasten her bra. He pulled the straps down and released her. Ana closed her eyes and raised her head towards the ceiling. Doug pushed her against the counter and crushed his hips to hers. She reached her hands back, placing them on the counter as she arched her back. Her husband’s hands were warm against her skin. His lips hovered near the curve of her neck. His hands embraced her breasts and Ana decided to tell him tomorrow.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Ana’s husband, Doug, called out for her and then made his way upstairs. She heard the girls intercept him halfway. He laughed and kissed their round cheeks. “Ana?” He called her name again.
She dropped her breasts and her shoulders lurched slightly forward. Her bra was lying on the sink. Ana hooked it around her stomach and pulled up the straps. After throwing on her t-shirt she opened the door. Doug was already coming through the doorway to their bedroom. She hadn’t told him the diagnosis yet. The appointment that morning was still a bit of a blur. He wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed until her feet barely touched the ground. Cate and Bella giggled and grabbed their parents’ legs. Ana buried her head in his shoulder and kissed him on the neck. Doug released her and turned to his daughters.
“Who wants to help Daddy find his slippers?” They both raised their arms and jumped up and down, squealing.
“One, two, three, go.” Cate took off first, running downstairs while Bella wiggled underneath her parents’ bed. Ana followed Doug into the closet.
“How was work?” She said while helping him find a pair of jeans hanging in the back.
“Fine. Nothing exciting.” He slipped off his shoes and slid off his belt. “How was your appointment this morning?” He hung his belt on the rack.
“No big deal.” She picked up her husband’s shoes and placed them in line with the others.
Doug stopped unbuttoning his shirt. “Did they tell you anything?”
“No. Something about the tests taking a while to get back.” Ana turned her back to him and bit her lip.
“Well, maybe next week.” He smiled at her back and reached up to rub her neck. Ana knew she’d have to tell him eventually. But not here, in the closet. He started to slide his hands down her shoulders when Cate and Bella ran into the space, each waving a blue slipper.
“I found mine first, Daddy. I did. I did.” Bella tried to push her sister out of the way, but Cate, who tried to never let her older sister win, shoved the shoe in her father’s hand first. As Bella clenched her teeth, Doug bent down and grabbed both girls in his arms. He smiled up at his wife and reached his hand up to bring her into the circle.
Monday, August 22, 2005
One hour and 5 minutes later I walk into work. My hair has frizzed out of the ponytail. My coke is long gone, the can thrown to the floorboards.
All along the road the 'people' had said was so great, traffic was stopped. There were four schools in sessions relegating 15mph speed limits and then the road suddenly goes from four to two lanes.
And as I drove by an intersection just a few short blocks from my home I noticed that the road was wet. I thought it odd to have only rained in such a small area. But then the news portion of my radio station came on and made the announcement:
"A police check-point has just been lifted off the corner of blank and blank. There are still several police cars in the area and they are still hosing the blood off the sidewalk due to the homicide this morning. Man A was found dead outside the local check cashing store and another, still alive, was found inside. This incident has caused a large back up for this mornings commuters."
Where the hell do we live?
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
We visited with both of our families and spent some time at camp where we both had the opportunity to relax and re-coop from our daily madness in miami.
Now we are back and taking it one day at a time. At camp we re-discovered what it means to take things slow. And we got back into the swing of lots of prayer. When life gets crazy and frustrating it is easier to just go to sleep at night and sleep until the last second in the morning than to stay up or get up early and pray alone and together.
My brain reminded me that it is very typically human to want to hang out with someone we admire and love. Which means that I need to be spending more time in conversation with Jesus.
I discovered an amazing story in the Bible as I was preparing for camp. And surprisingly it is the story that seemed to most move the students (rising 6th graders).
The story of Rizpah is found in 2Samuel. David is king and he decideds to make ammends with this town called Gibeon. A long time before now, Saul and his family had broken a truce and murdered several men in Gibeon. Gibeon's been pissed for years and God is pissed because of what Saul did. So God keeps the fields dry until David asks why and God let's David know that the Gibeons deserve compensation for Saul's actions. David is like, 'Crap. This sucks.' But he knows what he has to do so he chooses 7 men from Saul's bloodline to hand over to the Gibeons. 2 of these men are sons of Rizpah and the other 5 are her nephews. Rizpah was Saul's concubine so her sons were considered lesser regarding familial inheritance. The Gibeons kill the men and display their bodies out on a hill where everyone can see them. Rizpah is devasted but she knows that she cannot remove the bodies and because of her status she cannot go straight to the king so she gets some black cloth and spreads it out near the bodies and she stays there. She stays through the harvest until the next rainy season began. She fights off the animals that come night and day to pick at the corpses. Finally David finds out what she's been doing and he agrees to properly bury the bodies. And once the bodies are buried, God blesses the land.
I give myself a week before I would have been sick and tired of the hot sun and the birds picking at me and the wild animals stalking me before I would have gone back to my home.
It is only with the amazing patience of God that a person could sacrifice so much and stay only in each day without worrying about the future, but only about what needs to be done now.
God, grant me the patience to pursue your will each day with the perserverance of Rizpah. Amen.
Monday, July 18, 2005
While procrastinating the taking of my online midterm this morning I searched around some blogs and came across an interesting post. The question was, Would you rather live in a world without science or religion. You can read the comments here:
What do you think?
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
we need a place to live. it seems like every lead we get goes flat very fast. actually it seems like that because it is true.
our lease is up aug. 19 (pushed back from july 31) and our current has already been rented to new leasers. so we are screwed. i have called 100s of places to no avail. the ares we want to live in are too expensive and other areas well, just aren't options.
please God show us where you want us to be. you knew before we were born where we would be living come august 20, 2005. help us find that place.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Sometimes I am just not sure how to express my internal dialogue.
There has been a battle raging in my belly.
I am having issues with scripture and the church and tradition and how do I know that I am right and that the only way to God is through Jesus. This is scary for me. It is just so complicated.
I was in a class several weeks where we were discussing religion and in trying to explain my beliefs, my professor thought I was agnostic. I said no, but I couldn't make myself say in front of the whole class that Jesus is the only way to heaven and that if you don't believe in Him you are going to hell. The arrogance of that comment overwhelmed me as I looked at the faces of these people, my peers, who believe just as strongly in something else. They would have scoffed and labeled my a holy-roller and that would have been the end.
What could I have said? What should I have said?
I hear other's intrepretations of scripture and my perversion alarm rings and I puff out my chest and claim that 'No, that is not correct. I know what that verse really means'. I don't want to feel like this. Arrogance is not evidence of God's love.
I want to find confidence without pomposity.
What is my problem? Why can't I just get it and go on with life?
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
It implies that the 'old' wasn't good enough.
It implies that we needed something better.
My church is tossing around the idea of creating a service on Wednesday nights. It would consist of eucharist and fellowship time. Probably with guitars and drums instead of organ adn possibly more involving teaching time but I hesitate at calling it our "New Wednesday Night Service." (not that anyone has purposed that yet) I think we should just call it "Wednesday Night Worship." Let what is attract people instead of it's cool name.
On another note, I think I'm having a break-down today.
Grant and I just spent 3 wonderful days together doing nothing. We hung out at home and rented movies and I cooked for the first time in months. It was blissful. But today I am freaking out.
I had a migraine last night that lasted into this morning and I couldn't get out of the house so I slept. Which means that I slept right through a mid-term for one of my summer classes. I am such an idiot. I wasn't even thinking about it this morning but now I feel like an ass. My professor is deciding if she's going to let me make it up. If she doesn't, my highest grade will be a C.. that is IF I get 100's on everything else.
Summer class is killing me.
I'm taking 3 classes and trying to work which includes getting a lock-in together in two weeks, running VBS (which is a whole other story), end of the year graduations for all the kids, finally posting my summer schedule which keeps getting knocked around.... oh, and we are trying to move.
Our lease is up at the end of July but we just realized that we are going to be gone at that time so we have to move closer to the beginning of July. Which means I have to find a place- not so easy down here- and find some movers (because after the last time I promised that I would never make Grant move us again).
I feel like I just want to quit something. School or work are pretty much my only two options. But I can't quit in the middle of the semester and work is good and I love it.
I don't know.
I think I just needed to rant.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
it is not inviting to everyone. words like 'new' and 'fun' and 'are you tired of church?' are annoying because they stand for pushing something away.
i really think we need to be careful and watch how our 'emerging' language is affecting the younger generations. because if we don't we will raise a generation of community lovers who only love their community.
i like what this place had to say, www.oatmealbible.org :
"Our worship is eclectic, user-friendly, casual, fun, and sometimes a little loud. We like to try new things and experiment a bit. When we fail, we fail spectacularly. We are not traditional, contemporary, modern, or post-modern, just kind of mixed up. We love Generations X, Y, Z, and all the rest of the alphabet, too."
|You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.|
What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
I have had several professors over the last two semesters that have helped open my eyes to just how capitalist and individualistic I am.
Just the fact that I can not imagine a language without the word 'opportunity' screams how entrenched I am.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
Monday, May 02, 2005
grant gave me an ipod for my birthday in january and i love it. i just got itunes on my work computer last week and i have already bought over 20 songs. i'm exploring and i love it.
been thinking a lot recently about music worship. the moment i decided to follow jesus was during a song that showed me how God is my father. i needed that at that second and music has been a huge part of my growing and knowing Christ.
i think it's because music is such an intimate thing. i've had the fantastic experience of hanging out with the amazing derek washington the last couple of days. he shared some of his music with the parish yesterday in thanks for supporting his family while they were missionaries in nepal. i sat in on his practice yesterday afternoon and he was playing some worship songs that i learned years ago and the words came back to me instantly and while i was singing i felt closer to God than i have in a long time. it was relaxing and intimate. i let my guard down for the first time in months.
a lot of worship songs talk about I and Me. so what? i have two identities in Christ- one that is personal and one that is a part of my community. i think sometimes we get so sidetracked by being frustrated with the past (specifically the total individualization of religion) that we only concentrate on the community forms and forget that both are important. everyone needs personal forms of worship that help guide their faith in order to be a part of another group.
all i'm saying is that for me, music worship is deep and intense; something that i can't get anywhere else. and i'm okay with that.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
it also doesn't help that my office (well my corner in eric's office) is all packed up just waiting for my new office furniture to get here. what should i be doing? oh, about a million things, but who's counting.
i haven't seen eric sitting down to work today either. we are both just wandering around the campus, back and forth between offices thinking about what kind of pictures to hang in the bathroom and how to arrange our new offices.
we are pretty sure that we are both the same meyers-briggs. interesting. that's probably why we both drive everyone else crazy. when people look at our office in disgust he just tells them that to us it's organized.
i hate feeling anxious all the time. i would say that i feel anxious about 40% of the time. and i can't figure out why. i can't make it go away. mylanta is my best friend.
i think it would really help if we didn't live so far away from the rest of our lives.
and i want to have a baby.
will i ever graduate?
Monday, April 18, 2005
Are you kidding me?
As if parents who are not christians don't care?
As if all 'secular' music is satanic?
I hate those stupid distinctions. I listen to all the stations with music I like- christian, pop, hard core rock, 80's, classical- whatever.
I wish someone would just create a national radio station that just plays music that is good and pleasing to God. It doesn't have to be 'praise' music. It doesn't even have to say Jesus. Just good stuff.
Thought for the day:
So called 'secular' stations have the grace to play songs from christian bands. But you will never hear a 'secular' song played on a 'christian' station... well unless they are bashing it.
Friday, April 15, 2005
I think I might invest in a few more.
Why is it that I have lost 10 pounds but not an ounce has come off my boobs?
As soon as I'm done having kids they are gone. I can't wait.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
normally we only hang out once a month for a couple of hours on a sunday afternoon- we usually have about 10-15 kids.
friday night- there is a strong possibility we will have 40.
i think i might crap myself.
praise God that He is good.
because i am not.
grant is not.
pray that someone reliable and jesus-loving would answer our ad for volunteers.
we need more.
would you like to come?
Monday, March 14, 2005
[you have ever felt ungrateful for anything in your life]
[you love beautiful photography]
[you love children]
[you think the US is a horrible place to live]
[you have multiple family albums to peruse at your will]
[you have a passport]
[you need a break from your self-centered world]
[you enjoy quality films]
[you are looking for something new to be passionate about]
[you are a living, breathing human being]
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
it seriously took most people at least 15 minutes to realize that i no longer worked there.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
i always plan
to get lots o f thIng s
but for some
reason it seems like a
better idea to
read articles on
or check on my
i could be;
planning for wildlife on sunday
planning for superheroes in 2 weeks
reading 'ruth hall' for class
reading 'big money' for another class
reading 'lousianna power and light' for fun
reading 'the lie that tells a truth' for fun
talking to beth or brynn or ana, (whatever her name is) my newest character who has just found out she has breast cancer and isn't sure how or when to tell her husband and i'm still not completely sure why he wasn't with her when she found out
but no, i'm just sitting
and loving it.
For Grant, the conference was like a revelation into the lives of 6th grade boys. Apparently my suggestions of talking and praying for eachother have just not been going as well in his male small group as they have with my girls.
Me: I am so sorry that I just haven't been able to give you some good advice on how to connect with middle school guys.
Grant: That's okay honey. It's because you know what a pumice stone is for.
Friday, February 11, 2005
i get tired of playing jello games and toilet tag. i feel very unsettled. i want God to blow them away. they giggle and poke eachother when we pray.
am i doing enough?
am i doing too much?
do i talk about God enough?
do we read the Bible enough?
do we pray enough?
should i try harder with music worship?
should i start a second group for those who want to be more intense?
do i spend enough personal time with God?
am i normal?
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
yep, that's what i've been doing. filling in for eric teaching sacred studies to 4th, 5th and 6th grade today. it is so fun. the saint for today is aelred - the patron saint of friendship. so i gave each of them a piece of paper with their name on it and then they had to pass them around and everyone had to write something nice about everyone else. we talked about how there are friends that we love and that even people who are not our friends are loved AND blessed by God so we should love them too. it was good. and they did a good job coming up with good things for eachother. i was impressed. it has been a good day so far.
we don't have SFC this friday. (superheroes for christ) and i find myself bummed. sure i'm very excited to just spend time with my husband but i have so much fun with those guys. they are so hilarious. sometimes i wonder if i was that funny when i was that age.
grant and i are really struggling about being in miami. some days it is just so hard to be here. other days i'm too tired to even think about it. i love my job. i love my husband. i love school- but i wish i was taking classes just for fun instead of having to worry if they count or not and all that crap.
i finally admitted that i wouldn't mind moving back to tallahassee when our three years are up. i don't know why that was so hard for me to admit. probably because i complained so much while i was there. hindsight = 20/20. but we've also been pushing around the idea of grant going federal. all we know is that God wants us here right now so here we are... but we are willing, God, we are willing.
Monday, January 10, 2005
working in miami causes me to constantly come across people who do not speak english. spanish only please. this often happens with the grandparents of my youth group students. so when the kids grandparents come to drop them off or pick them up i try my hardest to speak spanish with them- especially if they try to fumble through some english for me.
so. last friday one girls grandma came to drop her off. she was speaking in stilted english while trying to figure out what time to pick her grandaughter up. so i tell her the time in spanish and she stares at me weird. i'm thinking 'my spanish is not great but it's not that bad either' and finally we figure out 8:30.
later the girl tells everyone her grandmother is visiting from Sweden.
ba da da.