Niva hasn't nursed in 3 days and 23 hours.
The last time she nursed was just after 9pm on Tuesday night. The next day she refused to nurse, refused to lay down, refused to eat and cried for 80 minutes straight. Double ear infections. Her first ailment treated by an antibiotic. But I wasn't surprised because the day before she was coughing and tired and started turning blue so we rushed her to the pediatrician where she was tested and a couple hours later diagnosed with RSV.
At least I understood why she didn't want to nurse. Her ears hurt. They gave her an antibiotic shot in the office on Wednesday and a prescription for numbing drops that we promptly filled and were instructed to use every 1-2 hours. Every time I put the drops in her ears she screamed for 10 minutes. We used them a few times and then stopped. FeverAll suppositories around the clock. And Niva still wouldn't nurse. She would ask by signing but then wouldn't when we got ready.
Back to the doctor on Thursday. Niva still not nursing or eating much. Ear infections are worse, one eardrum is perforated. My baby was so sad. Another antibiotic shot and a prescription for oral antibiotics to start the next day. And still FeverAll suppositories around the clock. Niva asked to nurse all day...pitifully shaking her hand in the sign...I'd get ready start to lay her down and she'd scream and cover her mouth and shake her head. We tried it with her sitting up. No go. More screaming.
Today she was back to her regular happy, mischievous self. But she still won't nurse. I had pumped the last few days and she was drinking it from a cup. But I when I tried to pump tonight the milk was gone. How did that happen so fast?
I know there are women out there who don't want to nurse, who say it's just not for them, who don't want a baby attached to them in that way. I am not one of those women. I've been nursing my babies, one then the other, for 3 years. When Zola weaned it was time. It was gradual, mutual and I could look forward to nursing the new baby I was about to birth. This time I just feel sad. Really, really, really sad.
It's not fair that my baby's last time nursing was painful for her. That she screams at the sight of my breast. That up until this week she was nursing 4-6 times a day and now she's not. It's not fair that this short time is over and Niva and I didn't get a choice.
I keep crying about it. My heart hurts. I didn't get to prepare. I didn't get to savor that last time. I feel minimised.