floating hot pink feathers

the title of this post pay homage to a post by my dear friend holly. she posted about a day at the beach with her beautiful daughter. floating feathers seems like time slows.

time has just slowed down majorly for grant and i.

on our way home from clemson, sc on sunday we realized that we had not been alone in three weeks.

first was the wedding of my uncle in ohio. so much fun! we all dressed up as doughboys at the reception. then we were in ky with my family hanging out. a day trip to wv to see my new gorgeous cousin, aidan and of course his big brother, david.

then back to miami with my youngest sister in tow for a week complete with vacation bible school and a middle school lock-in. after that the three of us re-packed our bags and headed for tybee island, ga. where we dropped stevie off and spent one night before heading to clemson.

then a week in clemson because grant's best friend, ken, was getting married to this totally amazing woman named nell. we did some pre-wedding white water rafting and luncheons and dinners and errands.

they tied the knot on saturday and we drove back to miami on sunday in a record 11.5 hours.

whew.

yesterday i just didn't know what to do with myself.

Re:encountering Rizpah

I just read over some of my past posts and I remembered Rizpah. She is a woman from the Old Testament with incredible passion and patience. At the end of my post I asked God to grant me patience like Rizpah.

I still ask for that, but now for different reasons.

At the time I was frustrated about living situations and going to school and working and just lots of craziness in my life.

The craziness has recently died down though. I graduated from college a couple of weeks ago and now am just working part-time - at least, as part-time as ministry can be.

I love my job and the love the people I work with and hang out with here.

But I don't love the way I do my job anymore.

I have been having lots of frustrations for a long time but have not had the time or energy to really think about it, much less actually do anything about it. But now I'm thinking. Particularly in light of my friend, Dixon's, recent post on a new youth ministry book.

My mind wants a formula.

But I know there isn't one.

I only have a few months left here at St. P's. That is not enough to really change things. (Is it?) I'm losing passion. I don't want to do this anymore. This is not to say that I don't want to be a part of these student's lives- just that I don't want to be this seperate arm of the church (an arm often kept at a distance from the rest of the body) This way of doing things is not healthy for anyone.

Yes.

God is good.
repeat: God is good.

Jesus died and rose again.
repeat: Jesus died and rose again.

Jesus died for my sins, because God is merciful.
repeat: Jesus died for my sins, because God is merciful.

Where you lead me Lord, I will go.
Where you lead me Lord, I will go.
Where you lead me Lord, I will go.
Where you lead me Lord, I will go.
Where you lead me Lord, I will go.
Where you lead me Lord, I will go.

I am not ashamed.
I am not ashamed.
I am not ashamed.

God is good.
God is good.

ha ha ha ha

nunchucks. freaking hilarious.

good encouragement

i recently found a calendar that i used to have on my desk. i hadn't seen it in almost 2 years. i'm not sure where i got it. it is a quote calendar that can be used year after year. the quotes are by Mother Theresa.

recently i have felt overwhelmed at work. last weekend God moved in a very intense way. this is what i've been praying for. abut then when it happened and now all of these students are looking to me to help them process and realize that YES! God is real. this week i had been feeling like there was something i had to, some scene i had to create. thank God for good friends. several people have helped me stop. and then i find this calendar and flip it open to today's reading.

The work we do is only a means and not an end in itself. No matter how beautiful the work may be, it is still just a simple means. After all, what matters is to belong to Jesus. The work we do is our love for Christ transformed into deeds.

Praise the Lord. No matter what I do, I still belong to him.

take me down to the paradise city...

i hate that i neglect this blog so often. poor little blog.

i love my job. i seriously just spent 20 minutes duct-taping 24 rolls of toilet paper.

STEELERS, WAHOO!!! Enough said. If you want to hear a great song look at this- Emily's MySpace

I had my first MRI last weekend. At the beginning of November I was running around with a bunch of 4th and 5th graders and I twisted my ankle. It just felt like how sometimes when you are just walking you twist your ankle and it smarts for a few seconds but you just shake it out and keep going. Well I shook it out, but the pain stayed. It continued swelling and hurting for the next month. I finally saw doctor in December- hairline fracture and bad sprain. I had an aircast for a few weeks (no crutches, thank God). But still it swells and gives me pain.

Then the MRI. Looks like I have some pretty bad damage to my tendons around my inner ankle bone on my right foot. I have to see a specialist- who my doctor said will probably immobalize it for a while... that means I might be hobbling on crutches during our spring retreat. oh crap. at least maybe it will heal so I can stop walking like a rapper.

Speaking of the retreat- time is closing in... I'm starting to be a bit stressed. So much to do... especially b/c of frustrations between the church and school here. please pray that relationships would stay intact. and that I can hold my tongue as needed.

I am going to be a college graduate in 12 weeks. Wow.

Dirty

Harry's feet left their mark the day he walked through his mother's formal white living room.

>What's next? Be creative. Permission meter=10.<

so much to say

-the title of the DMB song playing at this moment.


still procrastinating. greek final is due tomorrow. crap. did i really think greek would just be fun? yes, yes i did. and who's taking greek 2 next semester- that would be me.

and on another note- i just had the funniest sounding fart of my life. it actually squeaked.

hola compadres.

so i haven't posted in about 2 months. i think i just went through this obnoxious, 'i want to feel sorry for myself' cycle. no one was commenting on my blog. sigh. will i ever be able to just get over myself? and not worry about what other people are thinking about me?

i'm probably only writing now because procrastination seems like the best option when i have 2 papers, 2 finals and other various things coming up in the next two weeks. sigh. again.

so now i will take a page off of my sister's xanga. a list of comments to people, without using names, but you will all probably know who you are.

- you are amazing. and i love you more than any other person in my life. even when you feel like i am not appreciating you, i am. sometimes i wonder how one person can have so much patience.

- i know you used to think i was the devil; but i cannot tell you how blessed i am to finally be your friend. i wasted a lot of years. i'm so sorry.

- you are growing up so fast. i know life can be so frustrating right now, but i love you. And even more, so does God. you are beautiful and precious.

- sometimes you drive me crazy. literally. after spending time with you i seriously have to re-align my thought processes that remind of my goodness.

- welcome to the family dork.

- thank you for being able to have difficult discussions. and for loving me even when we only talk every few weeks. see you soon.

- i am so glad you moved to florida. just knowing that you are only a few hours away, and that if i need to just be around someone who has known me for a long time, is a comforting thought.

- you make my stomach hurt. i get mad at you, but then i realize that you don't even know who you are. stop acting. be real for one freaking time. grow up.

- thank you for still being the voice in my head most days. good or bad, at least you are there.

- thank you for creating me and loving me more than i can love myself. thank you for putting all of these people in my life. for better or worse, they have made me who i am and i think i'm pretty cool (mostly.).

Breasts. (the finale.)

Doug left before the sun came up the next morning. Ana woke up to his alarm but stayed in bed for another hour. Her pajamas were twisted and the collar of her shirt was wet from her tears. At one point in the night she had been shaking so hard, Doug woke up and grunted. She said she was fine, and he rolled back over and started snoring again. She thought about telling him. She dreamed about telling him. But when she reached up to her chest and felt that her breasts were still there she couldn’t. The curtains started glowing as the sun came up and a short time later the television in the living room started blaring cartoon music. Ana took a quick shower and got dressed, deciding to wear the tightest shirt she owned. Cate and Bella were snuggled together on the couch. She asked them what they would like for breakfast and then walked into the kitchen. She got the cereal out of the pantry and the girls’ favorite bowls off the shelf. Her favorite aunt had died because she had chosen not to do anything about her own diagnosis. She poured some cereal into each bowl and then opened the refrigerator for the milk. Her aunt’s breasts had killed her. The milk spilled onto the floor. Ana cursed and ripped off some paper towels. Ana was certainly not ready to die. Bella walked into the kitchen, dragging her blanket behind her.
“Mommy?” Ana looked up and stopped wiping the floor. “What are you doing?”
“I spilled some milk so now I’m cleaning it up.”
“Oh.” Bella stuck her thumb in her mouth and rubbed the silky edge of her blanket across her cheek. “Is my cereal ready now?”
Ana scooped up the wet paper towels and dropped them in the garbage can. Then she went to the sink and rinsed her hands. “Can you get Cate and come to the table?”
Bella turned around and went to find her sister. Ana placed the bowls on top of the rubber placemats in the shape of the United States and then sat down and put her head in her hands. She could feel her breasts pushing against the backs of her arms. The girls climbed up into their chairs and started slurping their breakfast. She didn’t even know how to tell them. Mommies were supposed to have breasts. That’s how you knew they were mommies. How do you talk about that with a four year old and a two year old? Bella started counting out loud the number of marshmallows still floating in her bowl. Ana thought about the breast milk still frozen in the basement freezer. She didn’t need it anymore. Cate had been weaned for almost a year. When the girls started splashing more cereal onto the table than they were eating Ana took the bowls over to the sink.
“It’s time to get ready for school, girls.” The sisters climbed down from their chairs and shuffled their socked feet across the floor. Ana smoothed down their hair and bent down to kiss them each on the forehead. “I love you both very much.”
“We love you too, Mommy.” Bella was quick to reassure her mother.
Cate smiled and said, “Wes, we do.” Ana knelt on the floor and pulled them close. Their heads squished against her breasts. Ana thought that her bones would not be so comfortable.
“Okay guys, let’s get ready now.” She patted their butts and sent them out the door to start picking out their clothes. Then she called Doug and asked him out for lunch. He checked his calendar and said that he could meet her at noon. She figured that he probably thought she’d gotten a call from the doctor. But she didn’t tell him anything yet. After dropping the kids off at preschool, Ana raced back to the house to get ready for lunch. She curled her hair and put on a short skirt that matched her tight top. She skipped the mascara but made sure to wear the pearls Doug had given her for her last birthday. Her hands were so shaky she could barely work the clasp. She checked the clock as she slipped on her shoes. An hour before she had to leave. She went downstairs and sat on the couch. Her shoes dropped to the floor as she tucked her legs up underneath her bottom. The girls had left the television on, so she picked up the remote and flipped through the channels. Soap operas and infomercials. She stopped on a woman advertising a yoga video. She was on a mat stretching in a purple leotard. Ana’s yoga classes were on Tuesday mornings. She turned the television off and threw the remote against the wall. Then she called Doug and told him that she wasn’t going to make it to lunch. When he asked her why, she told him that she had forgotten about a homeroom mother’s luncheon for Bella’s class. He didn’t say much, just asked her if she was okay. She apologized, told him that she was fine and that she would be home in time to have dinner ready.
Ana hung up the phone in the kitchen and stood, staring out the window for a moment. She took the barrette out of her hair and laid it on the counter. Her hair fell down and grazed her shoulders. She walked into the hallway and took her shirt off. She dropped it on the floor and then reached up to unhook her bra. The air was cold. Wrapping her arms around her breasts, Ana walked up to her bedroom and got into bed. She closed her eyes and tried to forget.
The phone rang.
It was her mother. Just calling to chat. Ana grabbed a t-shirt from her closet and slipped it over her head while balancing the cordless phone between her chin and her shoulder.
“No. I haven’t heard yet.” Ana started straightening out the clothes on Doug’s side of the closet. “No, Mom. I’m not going to call them again.” She hung the empty hangers on her hand. “Maybe next week.” Ana walked downstairs to the laundry room and tried to change the subject. “Can you pick the girls up after school today?” She flipped the light switch on the wall above the dryer. “Do you think they can spend the night with you?” She hung the hangers on the bar attached to the wall. “I just thought it would be nice for Doug and I to have an evening together.” She hopped up to sit on the washer. “Nothing’s wrong. We just haven’t really seen each other much recently.” Her feet swung and banged against the metal side. “They should have clothes at your place. And since they don’t have school tomorrow you can just call whenever you need me to come get them.” Ana slumped against the wall. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll call the school and let them know you’re coming. The girls will be excited.”
Ana called the school and let them know about her mother and then went to the grocery to buy some things for dinner. She picked out the chicken and tomatoes she needed for Doug’s favorite dish, Angel Hair Pasta with Chicken and Prosciutto. He probably wouldn’t even know what to say when she told him. He’d just hold her. Ana checked her cart and thought about the ingredients she already had at home. But would he look at her differently? Hold her more gently? Garlic. She needed garlic. And maybe something for dessert. Her mother’s motto was bad news is always better over something sweet.
When Doug got home, he stepped inside and called out for his wife. Ana heard him and tried to finish getting ready faster. She had turned off the lights downstairs. And when she didn’t answer, she heard him set his briefcase down and walk towards the kitchen. Good, maybe he would sit at the table and wait for her. She had lit candles on the dining room table and left the pasta warming on the stove. He called out for Cate and Bella.
She heard him walk towards the stairs as she stepped into her dress.
“Ana.” He started going up. “Ana.”
“Be there in a sec.” She had the zipper halfway up when she looked up and saw him standing there. He was smiling.
“I can help you with that.” He walked over behind his wife and removed her hands from the back of her dress. She curled her toes on the linoleum. He took the zipper in his fingers and slowly moved it down. He bent his head down and his breath was hot on her neck.
“Doug.” His name came almost like a moan.
“The kids aren’t here, are they?” He smiled at her through the mirror.
She tried to wiggle away from him. “No, but dinner is—“
“I don’t really think I care right now.” He grabbed her waist and turned her to face him. “I don’t even remember the last time…” He weaved his fingers through her hair and tipped her head up. His kiss was long and hard and Ana’s knees felt weak. Her dress slipped off her shoulders and rested on her waist. Doug ran his hands down past her shoulders and fumbled to unfasten her bra. He pulled the straps down and released her. Ana closed her eyes and raised her head towards the ceiling. Doug pushed her against the counter and crushed his hips to hers. She reached her hands back, placing them on the counter as she arched her back. Her husband’s hands were warm against her skin. His lips hovered near the curve of her neck. His hands embraced her breasts and Ana decided to tell him tomorrow.

Breasts, Part 1

Ana stood naked in front of the bathroom mirror with her hands pressed down over her breasts, imagining what she would look like without them. Her daughters, Cate and Bella, were sticking their tiny fingers underneath the locked door trying to get in. Ana turned from side to side. Cate and Bella called out for their mama. She pressed her breasts down harder. If the treatment made her lose her hair, she’d look like a boy. The front door banged shut and the fingers disappeared from underneath the door.
Ana’s husband, Doug, called out for her and then made his way upstairs. She heard the girls intercept him halfway. He laughed and kissed their round cheeks. “Ana?” He called her name again.
She dropped her breasts and her shoulders lurched slightly forward. Her bra was lying on the sink. Ana hooked it around her stomach and pulled up the straps. After throwing on her t-shirt she opened the door. Doug was already coming through the doorway to their bedroom. She hadn’t told him the diagnosis yet. The appointment that morning was still a bit of a blur. He wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed until her feet barely touched the ground. Cate and Bella giggled and grabbed their parents’ legs. Ana buried her head in his shoulder and kissed him on the neck. Doug released her and turned to his daughters.
“Who wants to help Daddy find his slippers?” They both raised their arms and jumped up and down, squealing.
“One, two, three, go.” Cate took off first, running downstairs while Bella wiggled underneath her parents’ bed. Ana followed Doug into the closet.
“How was work?” She said while helping him find a pair of jeans hanging in the back.
“Fine. Nothing exciting.” He slipped off his shoes and slid off his belt. “How was your appointment this morning?” He hung his belt on the rack.
“No big deal.” She picked up her husband’s shoes and placed them in line with the others.
Doug stopped unbuttoning his shirt. “Did they tell you anything?”
“No. Something about the tests taking a while to get back.” Ana turned her back to him and bit her lip.
“Well, maybe next week.” He smiled at her back and reached up to rub her neck. Ana knew she’d have to tell him eventually. But not here, in the closet. He started to slide his hands down her shoulders when Cate and Bella ran into the space, each waving a blue slipper.
“I found mine first, Daddy. I did. I did.” Bella tried to push her sister out of the way, but Cate, who tried to never let her older sister win, shoved the shoe in her father’s hand first. As Bella clenched her teeth, Doug bent down and grabbed both girls in his arms. He smiled up at his wife and reached his hand up to bring her into the circle.

Commuting Stories from Hell :: Part One

I was driving to work last Monday; the first time I had driven to work from our new place. People had been telling us that the road we lived on was the best to drive west to work. There are only a few roads that go the entire 10 miles without dead-ending at a highway. So I'm all psyched. I've got my sunglasses and my morning diet coke and the radio loud and I am so happy that I only have to drive 11 miles to work instead of the 40 miles I was driving before. No longer would it take me an hour and a half each way. I'm thinking, 20 minutes, max.

One hour and 5 minutes later I walk into work. My hair has frizzed out of the ponytail. My coke is long gone, the can thrown to the floorboards.

All along the road the 'people' had said was so great, traffic was stopped. There were four schools in sessions relegating 15mph speed limits and then the road suddenly goes from four to two lanes.

And as I drove by an intersection just a few short blocks from my home I noticed that the road was wet. I thought it odd to have only rained in such a small area. But then the news portion of my radio station came on and made the announcement:

"A police check-point has just been lifted off the corner of blank and blank. There are still several police cars in the area and they are still hosing the blood off the sidewalk due to the homicide this morning. Man A was found dead outside the local check cashing store and another, still alive, was found inside. This incident has caused a large back up for this mornings commuters."

Where the hell do we live?

Who knew?

Apparently not me.

Did you know that if you open a can of half-frozen diet coke it will explode all over the place causing you to mop up carbonated beverage from your floor and your arms and your feet?

Rizpah

Grant and I have been on vacation a lot this summer. It has been nice.

We visited with both of our families and spent some time at camp where we both had the opportunity to relax and re-coop from our daily madness in miami.

Now we are back and taking it one day at a time. At camp we re-discovered what it means to take things slow. And we got back into the swing of lots of prayer. When life gets crazy and frustrating it is easier to just go to sleep at night and sleep until the last second in the morning than to stay up or get up early and pray alone and together.

My brain reminded me that it is very typically human to want to hang out with someone we admire and love. Which means that I need to be spending more time in conversation with Jesus.

I discovered an amazing story in the Bible as I was preparing for camp. And surprisingly it is the story that seemed to most move the students (rising 6th graders).

The story of Rizpah is found in 2Samuel. David is king and he decideds to make ammends with this town called Gibeon. A long time before now, Saul and his family had broken a truce and murdered several men in Gibeon. Gibeon's been pissed for years and God is pissed because of what Saul did. So God keeps the fields dry until David asks why and God let's David know that the Gibeons deserve compensation for Saul's actions. David is like, 'Crap. This sucks.' But he knows what he has to do so he chooses 7 men from Saul's bloodline to hand over to the Gibeons. 2 of these men are sons of Rizpah and the other 5 are her nephews. Rizpah was Saul's concubine so her sons were considered lesser regarding familial inheritance. The Gibeons kill the men and display their bodies out on a hill where everyone can see them. Rizpah is devasted but she knows that she cannot remove the bodies and because of her status she cannot go straight to the king so she gets some black cloth and spreads it out near the bodies and she stays there. She stays through the harvest until the next rainy season began. She fights off the animals that come night and day to pick at the corpses. Finally David finds out what she's been doing and he agrees to properly bury the bodies. And once the bodies are buried, God blesses the land.

I give myself a week before I would have been sick and tired of the hot sun and the birds picking at me and the wild animals stalking me before I would have gone back to my home.

It is only with the amazing patience of God that a person could sacrifice so much and stay only in each day without worrying about the future, but only about what needs to be done now.

God, grant me the patience to pursue your will each day with the perserverance of Rizpah. Amen.

religion or science?

While procrastinating the taking of my online midterm this morning I searched around some blogs and came across an interesting post. The question was, Would you rather live in a world without science or religion. You can read the comments here:

http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=10909589&postID=112137788076959236

What do you think?

moving sucks

crap.

we need a place to live. it seems like every lead we get goes flat very fast. actually it seems like that because it is true.

our lease is up aug. 19 (pushed back from july 31) and our current has already been rented to new leasers. so we are screwed. i have called 100s of places to no avail. the ares we want to live in are too expensive and other areas well, just aren't options.

please God show us where you want us to be. you knew before we were born where we would be living come august 20, 2005. help us find that place.

Over a month

It's been over a month since I last posted.

Sometimes I am just not sure how to express my internal dialogue.

There has been a battle raging in my belly.

I am having issues with scripture and the church and tradition and how do I know that I am right and that the only way to God is through Jesus. This is scary for me. It is just so complicated.

I was in a class several weeks where we were discussing religion and in trying to explain my beliefs, my professor thought I was agnostic. I said no, but I couldn't make myself say in front of the whole class that Jesus is the only way to heaven and that if you don't believe in Him you are going to hell. The arrogance of that comment overwhelmed me as I looked at the faces of these people, my peers, who believe just as strongly in something else. They would have scoffed and labeled my a holy-roller and that would have been the end.

What could I have said? What should I have said?

I hear other's intrepretations of scripture and my perversion alarm rings and I puff out my chest and claim that 'No, that is not correct. I know what that verse really means'. I don't want to feel like this. Arrogance is not evidence of God's love.

I want to find confidence without pomposity.

What is my problem? Why can't I just get it and go on with life?

*NEW* Ministry

What is it about the word 'new' that just pisses me off?

It implies that the 'old' wasn't good enough.

It implies that we needed something better.

My church is tossing around the idea of creating a service on Wednesday nights. It would consist of eucharist and fellowship time. Probably with guitars and drums instead of organ adn possibly more involving teaching time but I hesitate at calling it our "New Wednesday Night Service." (not that anyone has purposed that yet) I think we should just call it "Wednesday Night Worship." Let what is attract people instead of it's cool name.

On another note, I think I'm having a break-down today.

Grant and I just spent 3 wonderful days together doing nothing. We hung out at home and rented movies and I cooked for the first time in months. It was blissful. But today I am freaking out.

I had a migraine last night that lasted into this morning and I couldn't get out of the house so I slept. Which means that I slept right through a mid-term for one of my summer classes. I am such an idiot. I wasn't even thinking about it this morning but now I feel like an ass. My professor is deciding if she's going to let me make it up. If she doesn't, my highest grade will be a C.. that is IF I get 100's on everything else.

Summer class is killing me.

I'm taking 3 classes and trying to work which includes getting a lock-in together in two weeks, running VBS (which is a whole other story), end of the year graduations for all the kids, finally posting my summer schedule which keeps getting knocked around.... oh, and we are trying to move.

Our lease is up at the end of July but we just realized that we are going to be gone at that time so we have to move closer to the beginning of July. Which means I have to find a place- not so easy down here- and find some movers (because after the last time I promised that I would never make Grant move us again).

I feel like I just want to quit something. School or work are pretty much my only two options. But I can't quit in the middle of the semester and work is good and I love it.

I don't know.

I think I just needed to rant.

alt.?

i've been looking at this site www.alternativeworship.org and i'm feeling frustrated. the language just is not finished yet.

it is not inviting to everyone. words like 'new' and 'fun' and 'are you tired of church?' are annoying because they stand for pushing something away.

i really think we need to be careful and watch how our 'emerging' language is affecting the younger generations. because if we don't we will raise a generation of community lovers who only love their community.

i like what this place had to say, www.oatmealbible.org :

"Our worship is eclectic, user-friendly, casual, fun, and sometimes a little loud. We like to try new things and experiment a bit. When we fail, we fail spectacularly. We are not traditional, contemporary, modern, or post-modern, just kind of mixed up. We love Generations X, Y, Z, and all the rest of the alphabet, too."

what are you?

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 81% Postmodernist 75% Modernist 69% Romanticist 44% Fundamentalist 31% Existentialist 31% Idealist 31% Materialist 6% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com